Excerpt from Mindfulness as Medicine by Sister Dang Nghiem. Apple Books.
Read Mindfulness as Medicine by Sister Dang Nghiem. Parallax Press.
Excerpts from the Preface by the author
Often we think of a soul mate as a person outside of us who knows us well. In Vietnamese, the word “soul mate” is tri ky. Tri means, “to know, to remember, to master.” Ky means “oneself.” So a soul mate is one who knows, remembers, and masters oneself. As the word “tri ky” implies, it’s important to remember that the true love—the soul mate we’re always seeking—is already always present inside of us. If we know, remember, and master ourselves, we discover who we are, what the meaning of life is, and what we should be doing here on this planet Earth.
How can we learn this true love, to “know, remember, and master” ourselves? We can only master something if we know what it is and practice it often. In Chinese, the character “mindfulness” literally means “now mind” and it also means “to remember.” Mindfulness has become a buzzword and a fashion nowadays. However, mindfulness in its true essence is an inherent human capacity. Daily mindfulness practice and cultivation strengthen this capacity to anchor the mind in the present moment, so that it can remember, know, and take appropriate care of the body, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions.
The Buddha used the image of the moon to describe the gentle, discreet, but ever-embracing quality of mindfulness. When the moon rises in the sky, it rises so quietly that it’s unnoticeable. Most of us are not aware that the moon is rising. Even when the moon is already up there in the middle of the sky, most of us are still unaware of it. Yet when the moon is still at the horizon, it already starts to spread its soft gentle light and brighten the surroundings. As it ascends higher, the moon’s light spreads farther and farther to the bamboo groves, to the forest, and to every small corner. Every part of life is being shined upon by the moon and is reflecting the moonlight.
This gentle, discreet, but ever-embracing quality of moonlight can be seen in mindfulness. Mindfulness is something soft, quiet, gentle, and discreet, but nevertheless it has the capacity to embrace all aspects of our life. It imbues every pore of our skin and every part of our being. When we’re aware of our breathing, our steps, or a drop of dew that is hanging from the tip of a leaf, that awareness is gentle and soft like the moonlight. Yet it’s ever penetrating and it brings a certain quality of brightness and lightness to us. We feel connected to that dewdrop, to that leaf, to that in-breath and out-breath, and to every aspect of our life. Quietly and slowly, we feel connected to life itself.
Thus, mindfulness practice has enabled me to cultivate and offer love to myself so that I will have something to offer to others, and so that when others offer love to me, I don’t reject it out of fear or grasp it out of loneliness. Love shouldn’t be from neediness or grasping, but from mutuality, understanding, acceptance, and trust that we offer to one another. Only then can love be true; only then can one have something meaningful, substantial, and real to offer to oneself and to others.
We’re fortunate that the Buddha gave us four concrete teachings about the components of true love, which he referred to as the Four Immeasurable Minds of Love, and which my Teacher, Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, also refers to as “the elements of true love.” These are four capacities and qualities that are innate in each of us. Through our mindfulness practice, we can cultivate and fully realize them.
The first of the Buddha’s Four Immeasurable Minds of Love is maitri, friendship. This comes from the Sanskrit word, mitra, which literally means “friend.” Every time my Teacher, affectionately known as “Thay” (which means “teacher”), talks about the Buddha’s Four Immeasurable minds of love, he expresses a desire to retranslate their names. For example, the first element, maitri, has been translated as loving kindness, even though the root word, mitra, means friend. I would like to explore this element of true love and attempt to translate it as friendship or kinship.
The second element of true love is karuna, which means to help alleviate and remove suffering, either in oneself or in another person. Karuna has been translated as “compassion.” I would like to explore this element of true love and translate it as “the capacity to heal” or as “healing.” To heal is to become or to make something healthy or well again. Thus, healing can be seen as a process of transforming and removing suffering, so that well-being can be present in ourselves, in our relationship with ourselves, and with others.
The third element of true love is mudita, usually translated as “joy.” Mudita may be the joy that we cultivate in ourselves or the joy that we offer to another person. When we’re gratified by the joy that another person is experiencing, this is known as “altruistic joy,” to feel happy for another person’s advantageous conditions or achievements.
The fourth element of true love, upeksha, has been variously translated as “letting go,” “equanimity,” “nondiscrimination,” or “inclusiveness.” Because some people may associate the terms “equanimity” and “nondiscrimination” with equal rights, gender and racial issues, I would like to use the word “interbeing.” In fact, interbeing encompasses equanimity, nondiscrimination, inclusiveness, and letting go.
During the Winter Retreat of 2011–12, Thay added two more elements to the Buddha’s Four Immeasurable Minds of Love. One is “trust and confidence.” Among the several Sanskrit words for trust and confidence, I have chosen the word vishvas, which includes not only the meanings of trust and confidence but also the consequences that those elements bring: breathing freely, freedom from fear, confidence, reliance, comfort, encouragement, and inspiration.
The other element of true love that Thay has added is “reverence.” I have chosen the Sanskrit term nyas for reverence or respect because its root word, asyati or asati, means “to put down upon the earth, turn or direct toward, deposit with, entrust or commit to, to place at the head, receive with reverence, call to mind, reflect, and ponder.” Reverence is a capacity to recognize and to be in awe of what is.…
…I feel that it’s important to start with Right View; in the teaching of the Eightfold Noble Path, the Buddha also started with Right View. Once we begin with the Right View of interbeing in upeksha, all other elements of true love will be seen through this lens. Suffering is caused by ignorance, which is manifested as wrong views and wrong thinking. With Right View, healing and the other elements of true love manifest naturally.
In Vietnam, when two people cherish and love each other dearly, they may say to each other, “May we lose our teeth together.” This statement reflects a deep desire to grow old together, when our hair and teeth are no longer intact and we’re no longer physically attractive as we were in our youth. It also implies that each of us needs to learn to take good care of our own teeth, and the rest of our physical body, as well as mental and spiritual health, so that we don’t desert the other person prematurely. It also means that we would do anything to help the other person to take care of his or her suffering and happiness and to cultivate wellness and endurance so that we can travel the long distance side-by-side.
Cultivating the Six Elements of True Love in ourselves is the most concrete practice that enables us to fulfill a lifelong commitment first to ourselves, which in turn enables us to understand, love, and live in harmony with our beloved and all others as well.